On the Inside Looking Out

On the Inside Looking Out

Sitting on a bench looking out towards the sliver ocean that separates Vancouver Island from the Main Land (British Columbia) and I am deep in thought.  My chest is heavy and there is a sadness that continues to grow as I scan the coastal mountains for answers. My problem is that I am unsure of what answers I am needing, really not even sure of the question other than how long will I endure? The wind blows constant this time of year and the clouds will block out the sun for weeks, the red cedars sway and waves lap against the rocky shore line. The beauty was always overbearing, it would overtake my senses and I struggled not to give in to the beauty that surrounded me.  I would look out at the vastness, how beautiful life can be, as my eyes filled with tears it felt as if my heart was reaching out of my chest begging for some of that beauty.  That is what hit me the hardest, was looking at something so pure and strong yet I was merely a spectator. A quote I read the other day made sense as to why I felt this way when sitting alone deep in thought “Depression is living in a body that fights to survive with a mind that tries to die” -Unknown Author.

I have always found pleasure in the pain of being alone, it is the only time that I can truly see how empty I have become. I have a hard time recalling my childhood so I am not able to dig as far back as I would like to, so I will start with bits and pieces of my childhood that I can recall in future blogs working my way through the story of my life long battle.  This is why I named my domain Daily-Battle.com because that is exactly what it is, from the moment I roll out of bed until I am able to drift away.  Those who suffer know some days are better than others and some of the lows negatively impact those around us.  The impact we have on those who love us is the main reason as to why I have started doing this (secretively) and to help myself and others. I no longer want to look forward to the expiration date for this life, I want to be able to celebrate each minute but I am not there yet the battle rages on.

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