The alarm sounds at 4:00 a.m. and I wearily stare at the ceiling thinking to myself, shit it’s that time already. I slowly crawl out of bed and make my way to the bathroom as quietly as possible trying not to wake the wife. Standing in the bathroom leaning onto the counter I stare at my reflection for a few seconds and think damn I look older than I should, I’ve wondered how much the stress,anxiety, and depression of all these years has contributed?
In a matter of 30 minutes I am off to work, making the 50 minute commute I despise. As I approach the entrance to my work location I feel the levels of anxiety and depression increase, ah yes there is that old friend I can expect every Monday morning. I do my best to fight off all the negative thoughts stewing about in my head and focus on what matters and why I am here trudging through another week of politics and bullshit, the family I vowed to support.
There is no doubt in my mind that if I did not have my family’s support I would have chosen a path of self-destruction, I was already on it when I met my wife. I wasn’t an abuser of drugs or alcohol but I found comfort in misery therefore I would separate myself from everything. Who knows where that would have led, I still feel the yearning to live that solo style and to allow this ailment to finally consume me. How do you explain that to your wife? How to you tell her that you still want to sink into oblivion and do not want a helping hand? My family and the few friends I have truly do not know the dark path I have followed for so many years, I have done well when needing to stand in the light and show them I am like them, that I am happy and doing well…….
I arrive at work and do my best to smile and greet the employees as they enter the building where the morning meeting is held. I am lucky enough to be one of the speakers who addresses the companies employees every morning. This to me is pure torture, but I push on and put on my best smile and speech.
I hope that everyone has a good Monday, I damn sure will try.