This has been a year (2016) of sluggish movement for me. I started meds and seeing a counselor to try to make myself a better person and to try to fix my marriage but this past weekend is a perfect example that I havent progressed one bit.
My marriage has been such a rocky road that I do not even know if its salvageable. You get so deep into this rut that you no longer can distinguish what is right and wrong. My condition has never helped, i typically turn a cold shoulder to confrontation instead of resolving it. So far in 2017 I watch everything cascading around me, and i know that I am partially to blame but I often wonder how much. I do not know if it is possible for me to be a better person. I feel like it’s not in me, as bad as I would like to be I don’t have the drive.
I want to put my hand on my wifes and look at her in the eye and tell her it is ok to move on without me. That she deserves someone who is more appreciative and has her type of energy. I’ve always been a soloist which doesn’t mix well with sharing time with others. I don’t know if we will be together or not in the next few months. If we are not my biggest fear is the darkness that moves in around you from the corners of the room. When you sit and silence looking out the window at the leafless trees you cant help but compare yourself to them. They are bare and have nothing to show or give.