What is your decision?

What is your decision?

My spouse and I reached another boiling point this past weekend. It was one of those meltdown types where I sit there calm listening as she hollers and threatens. I no longer explode and argue back, i literally cant do it anymore.

As she cries and packs her bags the kids sit and observe all of this mayhem.  She hits the door and I do not want to stop her. As she speeds away out of the neighborhood I try and change the subject at hand with my 7 & 8 year old. As the day wears on they ask where is mom, when will she be back?  Later in the evening when they ask all I can say is soon but as I lay them down to sleep they ask again and I tell them in the morning.

I lay awake and toss and turn, eventually going to sleep only to wake an hour later sweating under the sheets. I walk out into the living room and sit in the darkness, the quiet surrounds me and I feel worn as if ive been a book that has been read too much, the spine splitting and the pages stained, some missing.

Morning comes and my children ask “where’s mom”? Once again I look at them with reassurance that soon she will be home.  This continues throughout the day, eventually the wife comes home looking worn as well.

A day goes by with little talk, an evening after work I climb into bed around 730 and she approaches me to ask what is the plan, or the future of us. I laid there and spilled my thoughts out on to her. I apologized for wasting so many years of her life and that she deserved to be happy. I also apologized for being an unhappy person, and after 10 years of marriage and all of the effort she has put in to making me happy was all in vain.  I will always remain unhappy even though there is so much to be happy for.

My suggestion was while she still had youth on her side she should find someone who appreciates her efforts. After the talk, she walked out of the bedroom tears flowed from my eyes, this hasn’t happened in years. I cried for her, for all we’ve done to each other, all the suffering, the needless suffering, time cannot be given back.

My fear is what happens to me when I finally sit alone, after she finally quits, throws in the towel. What will I become? I fear that the dark pit of depression will continue to grow and swallow me whole.

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