I am back. I am back from what has been the most challenging trials of my life so far. My marriage was deteriorating rapidly in 2017 and the toxic lifestyle also affected my performance at work. I would come to work and sit in front of my computer screen and literally produce nothing for the day, it was like I was just waiting for someone to relieve me of my position. With all the insanity going on over the past 4 months I continued to see my counselor, i visited a new doctor and was prescribed different medications. No matter what I did there was no temporary relief, nothing seemed to help and one day I came to the end of my rope. On that day looking at myself in the mirror I knew of my two options:
Option one : Let go of the rope, forget myself or who I was and everyone around me. Possibly fall into some addiction or habit that would lead to a quicker end. To separate myself from all that I know and simply fade as quickly as possible.
Option two: Say fuck this and start climbing back up. To say fuck everyone in my way who has nothing to offer that is positive and lifting. The challenge of this climb is min and for only me to complete, I commit to it without any other option but success. To start anew, allowing the sun to rise and cast its warming brilliance on my face one more time.
I am here writing this blog so as you can guess option two was chosen, though option one was more appealing I found that I still had some grit left in me. Not sure how there was any left it must be en-grained within me because I was able to find it and come back from the fray. Since then I have continued to improve for myself, I know that there is nothing that I can do for anyone without fixing myself first. I was tired of being one of the medicated, I no longer knew if it was my depression or the meds that made me feel so damn bad.
I have always accepted the fact that I came from a broken family and had witnessed atrocities that somehow molded me. I accepted that my mothers side of the family gene pool was riddled with mental disorders including a suicide here and there. My fathers side was just as troubled so I believed that I was a product of my environment and that I was genetically flawed, something that was impossible to change.
So I accepted who I was and what dispositions I had and knew that the odds were I wouldn’t ever achieve happiness, or truly find my voice.
I said fuck the bridges, burn them there is no option of return. Change occurred in that moment when I decided to take control and refuse to accept what I felt my past created, what was in my genetic make up. I refused to continue to walk through this life missing out of each minute of opportunity to achieve greatness. I refuse to continue to welcome death earlier than later. I refuse to gently into that good night.
I am not sure what I will do with this Blog now. I no longer accept this being a daily battle because I am breaking through the fucking gate and taking the castle each day. Each day I will continue to strive towards goals and accept failures as a they come.
IF you struggle as many others do, start each day with an idea, an idea to work on yourself. The link below will take you to a self help book I highly recommend.