This has been a year (2016) of sluggish movement for me. I started meds and seeing a counselor to try to make myself a better person and to try to fix my marriage but this past weekend is a perfect example that I havent progressed one bit.
My marriage has been such a rocky road that I do not even know if its salvageable. You get so deep into this rut that you no longer can distinguish what is right and wrong. My condition has never helped, i typically turn a cold shoulder to confrontation instead of resolving it. So far in 2017 I watch everything cascading around me, and i know that I am partially to blame but I often wonder how much. I do not know if it is possible for me to be a better person. I feel like it’s not in me, as bad as I would like to be I don’t have the drive.
I want to put my hand on my wifes and look at her in the eye and tell her it is ok to move on without me. That she deserves someone who is more appreciative and has her type of energy. I’ve always been a soloist which doesn’t mix well with sharing time with others. I don’t know if we will be together or not in the next few months. If we are not my biggest fear is the darkness that moves in around you from the corners of the room. When you sit and silence looking out the window at the leafless trees you cant help but compare yourself to them. They are bare and have nothing to show or give.
A feeling of discontent brought upon by a simple flaw in my being has drug me into that place where the pressures are immense and the vision is blurred.
It’s a repetitive process, it’s not if it’s when will it come again. Each direction feels like the wrong one so I continue to live stagnatly. It is a fatal flaw, strip by strip piece by piece you become weathered and unrecognizable.
I remind myself to breath, you were born into this.
How many of you out there look at your reflection in the mirror and not recognize the person? Maybe it’s the absence of the image of who you wanted to be. Each day, those subtle changes become more noticeable.
The lines running across your face here and there, bags under your eyes from the lack of sleep. Day after day you see the same person who you do not know, this feeling is fostered day in and day out and yet it rests below a boiling surface.
Eventually the spill over occurs and now you’ve let some of your secrets out to those around you and you are viewed now as someone particularly not healthy to be around. I kept it below the surface for over 20 years and I thought I could continue until my final breath.
The cracks slowly grew, revealing more of what lies beneath and it gets to the point where you become and easy person to read.
At age 30 the fight became too much and I was in fear of spiraling out of control into a state of no return. I still awoke each morning and pushed through each day, they all seemed the same.
Now at 33 I feel no different other than the medications I take help bury some of those feelings, but the scary thing is that they are only suppressed.
I can understand why some take that walk into the sun, its something that I cannot explain in words only those who know depression can relate.
Holidays are supposed to be a time of joy and celebration, but for some people they are anything but.
Depression may occur at any time of the year, but the stress and anxiety during the months of November and December may cause even those who are usually content to experience loneliness and a lack of fulfillment.
Kerr, Michael. “Holiday Depression.”
Healthline, http://www.healthline.com/health/depression/holidays#1. *
How did you feel during the Thanksgiving holiday break? Did you sit at the dinner table with all of your family listening to old stories, hearing laughter and seeing bright smiles on some of their faces ? While you sat and listened and smiled as well to fit in did you wonder about the happiness others felt? What it was like to know that feeling and be completely engulfed in it? I can say that I have always been this way, I have watched emotions on the faces of family and friends and wondered if they to were possibly hiding something like depression under that smile. If they did then they were damn good at covering it up, carrying on conversations and interacting with others seems to be something depressed folks would avoid.
For those of us who will be spending this time alone we all know how dark those days can be. We tend to think too much about things that hurt. Everywhere you turn there are Christmas lights, music, and window displays serving as a reminder that happiness is surrounding us yet we are void of it all too often.
One thing I have found that helps with this situation is getting out of the house, go and do something out of your comfort zone. Throw yourself into nature and see where it leads you.
As Neal Young once said, “don’t let it bring you down, its only castles burning.”
I lay here on the floor next to the fire and feel hollow. It takes grit to make it through the day without saying fuck it. I listen to the popping and crackling of the wood and it seems so simple. I want simple, I look at the overcast sky and the wind sweeps away leaves only to bring more. The pines sway slightly and brush one another, planted so closely together light is scarce under them. Layer upon layer of needle create a hush that can be heard when the wind gusts. I want to fade with the light, a setting sun.
Check out this link to a book, Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It.
I am unsure what it is today that makes my heart feel heavy. It guess it is a not so simple as the continuation of a guaranteed relationship (depression). I’ve started to mix meds, doc is giving me Wellbutrin with my Celexa now so I suppose that my sidekick depression had to rear its ugly head to remind me that its still there just around the corner.
I noticed that I am always day dreaming about a better place, better people, warmer smiles, something that will reach within me and yank out whatever it is that causes pain. It seems like a simple fix, but its not. I have been travelling the country side since i graduated high school and I cannot find this place. Reality is this place is within me and I cannot shed light on it.
I have a vacation planned at the end of October, I will be spending a little over a week with my father. I have been thinking about telling him how I have suffered from severe depression for as long as I can recall but I do not know how to present this to him.
He is a burly old man standing around 6’2″ and does not believe in showing weakness. I suppose that is why i went until I was 33 years old to finally admit my faults, it wasn’t of my own will, my body literally felt like giving up and I knew that there was only one way outta this rut and that was to seek outside help.
So the next step is to tell him my life long condition, and I have contemplated this, is this something that should be done? I figured he would take blame for some of my depression as a kid and I would rather him not suffer for it.
I am actually laughing right now….. Why do I feel like my depression blog is becoming a whining post?????