I stepped away from blogging for nearly a year, not sure why really. 2017 was the most challenging year so far in my life. There were so many walls to climb that took great effort. My last post was in April of 2017 I believe, my spirits were high and moving forward in a positive way was the only option for me. Shortly after posting that blog, I spiraled even deeper into depression. I did well for some time after stopping my medications, but eventually my marital problems, work, and daily life challenges quickly chiseled away at my ability to cope and function at a healthy level. I found myself back in the doctor’s office nearly begging for a medication to pull me out of this rut I was in, the depression and anxiety had reached a whole new level. I truly believed that I could manage without medications, that I could surround myself with positivity and focus on the good things in life and I could keep the dark days of depression at bay. Unfortunately, I was unable to do so, I resigned to the fact that I could not, for me to be able to continue to be a father and husband and provide for my family I needed to get back on the antidepressants. Through trial and error I found a drug that works well with me, I am finding interest in things that I enjoyed in the past and I feel like I am a better person as well. I am not going to lie and say that my marriage still does not suffer, it does. My wife has been diagnosed with depression and ADD so it’s challenging for the whole family. I think that eventually I will delete this blog about depression, I do not find that I have much to say about it anymore. I do not want to be another blogger who whines about life and the struggles, ive done enough of that already. So here’s to you and to me!
I lay here on the floor next to the fire and feel hollow. It takes grit to make it through the day without saying fuck it. I listen to the popping and crackling of the wood and it seems so simple. I want simple, I look at the overcast sky and the wind sweeps away leaves only to bring more. The pines sway slightly and brush one another, planted so closely together light is scarce under them. Layer upon layer of needle create a hush that can be heard when the wind gusts. I want to fade with the light, a setting sun.