A feeling of discontent brought upon by a simple flaw in my being has drug me into that place where the pressures are immense and the vision is blurred.
It’s a repetitive process, it’s not if it’s when will it come again. Each direction feels like the wrong one so I continue to live stagnatly. It is a fatal flaw, strip by strip piece by piece you become weathered and unrecognizable.
I remind myself to breath, you were born into this.
How many of you out there look at your reflection in the mirror and not recognize the person? Maybe it’s the absence of the image of who you wanted to be. Each day, those subtle changes become more noticeable.
The lines running across your face here and there, bags under your eyes from the lack of sleep. Day after day you see the same person who you do not know, this feeling is fostered day in and day out and yet it rests below a boiling surface.
Eventually the spill over occurs and now you’ve let some of your secrets out to those around you and you are viewed now as someone particularly not healthy to be around. I kept it below the surface for over 20 years and I thought I could continue until my final breath.
The cracks slowly grew, revealing more of what lies beneath and it gets to the point where you become and easy person to read.
At age 30 the fight became too much and I was in fear of spiraling out of control into a state of no return. I still awoke each morning and pushed through each day, they all seemed the same.
Now at 33 I feel no different other than the medications I take help bury some of those feelings, but the scary thing is that they are only suppressed.
I can understand why some take that walk into the sun, its something that I cannot explain in words only those who know depression can relate.
Holidays are supposed to be a time of joy and celebration, but for some people they are anything but.
Depression may occur at any time of the year, but the stress and anxiety during the months of November and December may cause even those who are usually content to experience loneliness and a lack of fulfillment.
Kerr, Michael. “Holiday Depression.”
Healthline, http://www.healthline.com/health/depression/holidays#1. *
How did you feel during the Thanksgiving holiday break? Did you sit at the dinner table with all of your family listening to old stories, hearing laughter and seeing bright smiles on some of their faces ? While you sat and listened and smiled as well to fit in did you wonder about the happiness others felt? What it was like to know that feeling and be completely engulfed in it? I can say that I have always been this way, I have watched emotions on the faces of family and friends and wondered if they to were possibly hiding something like depression under that smile. If they did then they were damn good at covering it up, carrying on conversations and interacting with others seems to be something depressed folks would avoid.
For those of us who will be spending this time alone we all know how dark those days can be. We tend to think too much about things that hurt. Everywhere you turn there are Christmas lights, music, and window displays serving as a reminder that happiness is surrounding us yet we are void of it all too often.
One thing I have found that helps with this situation is getting out of the house, go and do something out of your comfort zone. Throw yourself into nature and see where it leads you.
As Neal Young once said, “don’t let it bring you down, its only castles burning.”
I lay here on the floor next to the fire and feel hollow. It takes grit to make it through the day without saying fuck it. I listen to the popping and crackling of the wood and it seems so simple. I want simple, I look at the overcast sky and the wind sweeps away leaves only to bring more. The pines sway slightly and brush one another, planted so closely together light is scarce under them. Layer upon layer of needle create a hush that can be heard when the wind gusts. I want to fade with the light, a setting sun.
Check out this link to a book, Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It.
The Red String of Fate is an interesting lore that derived from East Asia. Long story short the Chinese and Japanese believed that an invisible string bound two people together. Possibly destined lovers, regardless of place, time, or circumstances, also it may be that they are destined to meet one another in a certain situation or help each other in a certain way.
I’ve often wondered what I am destined for, will be it a lifetime of depression? Is there an invisible string that ties me to something that will lift me above all of this and wake me up for the first time? I look back at when I was younger and cannot recall any path I could have taken that would have led me to a place of happiness. It felt like fate, as if the gods above pointed a finger a me and said ” you there, you will walk under a sky of cloud and rain with little sunshine to provide comfort”.
As many other people I too have had highs and lows growing up but I do not know if they shaped me or was it going to be this way regardless. I now live a pretty darn good life, I have a solid job that has allowed me to provide for me and my family. I watch my children and wonder what are the odds they are destined as me. I feel for them and their mother, that they were dealt a father and husband who should be more.
The string of fate, it continues to unravel yet I hold on by this string.
The alarm sounds at 4:00 a.m. and I wearily stare at the ceiling thinking to myself, shit it’s that time already. I slowly crawl out of bed and make my way to the bathroom as quietly as possible trying not to wake the wife. Standing in the bathroom leaning onto the counter I stare at my reflection for a few seconds and think damn I look older than I should, I’ve wondered how much the stress,anxiety, and depression of all these years has contributed?
In a matter of 30 minutes I am off to work, making the 50 minute commute I despise. As I approach the entrance to my work location I feel the levels of anxiety and depression increase, ah yes there is that old friend I can expect every Monday morning. I do my best to fight off all the negative thoughts stewing about in my head and focus on what matters and why I am here trudging through another week of politics and bullshit, the family I vowed to support.
There is no doubt in my mind that if I did not have my family’s support I would have chosen a path of self-destruction, I was already on it when I met my wife. I wasn’t an abuser of drugs or alcohol but I found comfort in misery therefore I would separate myself from everything. Who knows where that would have led, I still feel the yearning to live that solo style and to allow this ailment to finally consume me. How do you explain that to your wife? How to you tell her that you still want to sink into oblivion and do not want a helping hand? My family and the few friends I have truly do not know the dark path I have followed for so many years, I have done well when needing to stand in the light and show them I am like them, that I am happy and doing well…….
I arrive at work and do my best to smile and greet the employees as they enter the building where the morning meeting is held. I am lucky enough to be one of the speakers who addresses the companies employees every morning. This to me is pure torture, but I push on and put on my best smile and speech.
I hope that everyone has a good Monday, I damn sure will try.