No Determined Path

No Determined Path

Where do you turn when there is no specific direction? No specific destination or a helping hand to point the way?

The next move is on faith, and that the footing will hold and not give way to something less complete.

Faith has led many down the wrong path so we know that it is a gamble, a hollow word that feels full when you first hear it.

Each wrong turn strips you down until you are bare and no longer have the strength to fight for yourself.

The question you must ask yourself am I able to make the next turn? Is there any grit left in you to pull yourself back up once more, bare you may be and weak you admit to yourself there is no specific direction.

You just take what path lay ahead.

#MentalHealth

What is your decision?

What is your decision?

My spouse and I reached another boiling point this past weekend. It was one of those meltdown types where I sit there calm listening as she hollers and threatens. I no longer explode and argue back, i literally cant do it anymore.

As she cries and packs her bags the kids sit and observe all of this mayhem.  She hits the door and I do not want to stop her. As she speeds away out of the neighborhood I try and change the subject at hand with my 7 & 8 year old. As the day wears on they ask where is mom, when will she be back?  Later in the evening when they ask all I can say is soon but as I lay them down to sleep they ask again and I tell them in the morning.

I lay awake and toss and turn, eventually going to sleep only to wake an hour later sweating under the sheets. I walk out into the living room and sit in the darkness, the quiet surrounds me and I feel worn as if ive been a book that has been read too much, the spine splitting and the pages stained, some missing.

Morning comes and my children ask “where’s mom”? Once again I look at them with reassurance that soon she will be home.  This continues throughout the day, eventually the wife comes home looking worn as well.

A day goes by with little talk, an evening after work I climb into bed around 730 and she approaches me to ask what is the plan, or the future of us. I laid there and spilled my thoughts out on to her. I apologized for wasting so many years of her life and that she deserved to be happy. I also apologized for being an unhappy person, and after 10 years of marriage and all of the effort she has put in to making me happy was all in vain.  I will always remain unhappy even though there is so much to be happy for.

My suggestion was while she still had youth on her side she should find someone who appreciates her efforts. After the talk, she walked out of the bedroom tears flowed from my eyes, this hasn’t happened in years. I cried for her, for all we’ve done to each other, all the suffering, the needless suffering, time cannot be given back.

My fear is what happens to me when I finally sit alone, after she finally quits, throws in the towel. What will I become? I fear that the dark pit of depression will continue to grow and swallow me whole.

What Will 2017 Have In Store

What Will 2017 Have In Store

This has been a year (2016) of sluggish movement for me. I started meds and seeing a counselor  to try to make myself a better person and to try to fix my marriage but this past weekend is a perfect example that I havent progressed one bit.

My marriage has been such a rocky road that I do not even know if its salvageable.  You get so deep into this rut that you no longer can distinguish what is right and wrong. My condition has never helped, i typically turn a cold shoulder to confrontation instead of resolving it. So far in 2017 I watch everything cascading around me, and i know that I am partially to blame but I often wonder how much. I do not know if it is possible for me to be a better person. I feel like it’s not in me, as bad as I would like to be I don’t have the drive.

I want to put my hand on my wifes and look at her in the eye and tell her it is ok to move on without me. That she deserves someone who is more appreciative and has her type of energy.  I’ve always been a soloist which doesn’t mix well with sharing time with others.  I don’t know if we will be together or not in the next few months.  If we are not my biggest fear is the darkness that moves in around you from the corners of the room. When you sit and silence looking out the window at the leafless trees you cant help but compare yourself to them. They are bare and have nothing to show or give.

 

Listen to me Whine :)

I am unsure what it is today that makes my heart feel heavy. It guess it is a not so simple as the continuation of a guaranteed relationship (depression). I’ve started to mix meds, doc is giving me Wellbutrin with my Celexa now so I suppose that my sidekick depression had to rear its ugly head to remind me that its still there just around the corner.

I noticed that I am always day dreaming about a better place, better people, warmer smiles, something that will reach within me and yank out whatever it is that causes pain.  It seems like a simple fix, but its not.  I have been travelling the country side since i graduated high school and I cannot find this place.  Reality is this place is within me and I cannot shed light on it.

I have a vacation planned at the end of October, I will be spending a little over a week with my father.  I have been thinking about telling him how I have suffered from severe depression for as long as I can recall but I do not know how to present this to him.

He is a burly old man standing around 6’2″ and does not believe in showing weakness.  I suppose that is why i went until I was 33 years old to finally admit my faults, it wasn’t of my own will, my body literally felt like giving up and I knew that there was only one way outta this rut and that was to seek outside help.

So the next step is to tell him my life long condition, and I have contemplated this, is this something that should be done?  I figured he would take blame for some of my depression as a kid and I would rather him not suffer for it.

I am actually laughing right now….. Why do I feel like my depression blog is becoming a whining post?????

Little Yellow Leaf

Little Yellow Leaf

A little yellow leaf bid its final farewell. It released its hold upon the limb as the autumn wind encouraged it to do so. I watched is as it fell so gracefully spinning and twirling between the branches of other trees. Though it only took a moment for it to fall to the forest floor I wondered how the leaf felt. It was its last dance and it did it so blissfully. I watched it come to rest and was filled with a deep sense of wonder. There is life in everything that we see and life will eventually depart. A simple little leaf, having lived through the summer months. Changing to a beautiful yellow in the fall allowing me to watch its most graceful moment. It was only one season of life and then it had to let go. Our lives are but a season which too must come to an end. Question is will you leave this life blissfully offering someone that moment to smile upon you as you drift into eternal sleep?  Will you bow out gracefully?

The String of Fate

The String of Fate

The Red String of Fate is an interesting lore that derived from East Asia. Long story short the Chinese and Japanese believed that an invisible string bound two people together. Possibly destined lovers, regardless of place, time, or circumstances, also it may be that they are destined to meet one another in a certain situation or help each other in a certain way.

I’ve often wondered what I am destined for, will be it a lifetime of depression? Is there an invisible string that ties me to something that will lift me above all of this and wake me up for the first time?  I look back at when I was younger and cannot recall any path I could have taken that would have led me to a place of happiness.  It felt like fate, as if the gods above pointed a finger a me and said ” you there, you will walk under a sky of cloud and rain with little sunshine to provide comfort”.

As many other people I too have had highs and lows growing up but I do not know if they shaped me or was it going to be this way regardless.  I now live a pretty darn good life, I have a solid job that has allowed me to provide for me and my family.  I watch my children and wonder what are the odds they are destined as me.  I feel for them and their mother, that they were dealt a father and husband who should be more.

The string of fate, it continues to unravel yet I hold on by this string.

Case of the Mondays

Case of the Mondays

The alarm sounds at 4:00 a.m. and I wearily stare at the ceiling thinking to myself, shit it’s that time already. I slowly crawl out of bed and make my way to the bathroom as quietly as possible trying not to wake the wife. Standing in the bathroom leaning onto the counter I stare at my reflection for a few seconds and think damn  I look older than I should, I’ve wondered how much the stress,anxiety, and depression of all these years has contributed?

In a matter of 30 minutes I am off to work, making the 50 minute commute I despise. As I approach the entrance to my work location I feel the levels of anxiety and depression increase, ah yes there is that old friend I can expect every Monday morning. I do my best to fight off all the negative thoughts stewing about in my head and focus on what matters and why I am here trudging through another week of politics and bullshit, the family I vowed to support.

There is no doubt in my mind that if I did not have my family’s support I would have chosen a path of self-destruction, I was already on it when I met my wife. I wasn’t an abuser of drugs or alcohol but I found comfort in misery therefore I would separate myself from everything.  Who knows where that would have led, I still feel the yearning to live that solo style and to allow this ailment to finally consume me. How do you explain that to your wife? How to you tell her that you still want to sink into oblivion and do not want a helping hand? My family and the few friends I have truly do not know the dark path I have followed for so many years, I have done well when needing to stand in the light and show them I am like them, that I am happy and doing well…….

I arrive at work and do my best to smile and greet the employees as they enter the building where the morning meeting is held.  I am lucky enough to be one of the speakers who addresses the companies employees every morning. This to me is pure torture, but I push on and put on my best smile and speech.

I hope that everyone has a good Monday, I damn sure will try.