I stepped away from blogging for nearly a year, not sure why really. 2017 was the most challenging year so far in my life. There were so many walls to climb that took great effort. My last post was in April of 2017 I believe, my spirits were high and moving forward in a positive way was the only option for me. Shortly after posting that blog, I spiraled even deeper into depression. I did well for some time after stopping my medications, but eventually my marital problems, work, and daily life challenges quickly chiseled away at my ability to cope and function at a healthy level. I found myself back in the doctor’s office nearly begging for a medication to pull me out of this rut I was in, the depression and anxiety had reached a whole new level. I truly believed that I could manage without medications, that I could surround myself with positivity and focus on the good things in life and I could keep the dark days of depression at bay. Unfortunately, I was unable to do so, I resigned to the fact that I could not, for me to be able to continue to be a father and husband and provide for my family I needed to get back on the antidepressants. Through trial and error I found a drug that works well with me, I am finding interest in things that I enjoyed in the past and I feel like I am a better person as well. I am not going to lie and say that my marriage still does not suffer, it does. My wife has been diagnosed with depression and ADD so it’s challenging for the whole family. I think that eventually I will delete this blog about depression, I do not find that I have much to say about it anymore. I do not want to be another blogger who whines about life and the struggles, ive done enough of that already. So here’s to you and to me!
There have been many times I’ve sat alone at a restaurant and observed my surroundings. I would see a father with children , clearly his court allotted time with them so he sits there and makes the best of a dinner after a long day at work.
I left the gym one evening and decided to eat at a pizza place that had a buffet. I watched a mother sit there with 4 children while they bounced around with little to no worries and the mothers face showed the hours of work she’d endured and the lack of time she had to prepare a dinner. She was tired and possible beaten mentally that night, I could see the surrender in her face.
It breaks my heart when I see these lives in whatever form they are in. You know there is a major battle they are fighting within to make it through the day . I want to be able to walk up and comfort in some way but I know I have nothing to offer to someone who’s fighting their own fight.
I now find myself on the brink of the same situation. Children confused, wife not content and all I can do is continue to work and smile as if all is fine.
Will I be that dad sitting there with his children and some other soul watching me maybe wondering about what caused me to be in that situation?
Will my wife be the woman sitting there with two children bouncing around enjoying a pizza dinner while she dwells upon what life has become?
It is sad and it’s something that happens around us everyday.
Are we living or simply existing?