I stepped away from blogging for nearly a year, not sure why really. 2017 was the most challenging year so far in my life. There were so many walls to climb that took great effort. My last post was in April of 2017 I believe, my spirits were high and moving forward in a positive way was the only option for me. Shortly after posting that blog, I spiraled even deeper into depression. I did well for some time after stopping my medications, but eventually my marital problems, work, and daily life challenges quickly chiseled away at my ability to cope and function at a healthy level. I found myself back in the doctor’s office nearly begging for a medication to pull me out of this rut I was in, the depression and anxiety had reached a whole new level. I truly believed that I could manage without medications, that I could surround myself with positivity and focus on the good things in life and I could keep the dark days of depression at bay. Unfortunately, I was unable to do so, I resigned to the fact that I could not, for me to be able to continue to be a father and husband and provide for my family I needed to get back on the antidepressants. Through trial and error I found a drug that works well with me, I am finding interest in things that I enjoyed in the past and I feel like I am a better person as well. I am not going to lie and say that my marriage still does not suffer, it does. My wife has been diagnosed with depression and ADD so it’s challenging for the whole family. I think that eventually I will delete this blog about depression, I do not find that I have much to say about it anymore. I do not want to be another blogger who whines about life and the struggles, ive done enough of that already. So here’s to you and to me!
I am back. I am back from what has been the most challenging trials of my life so far. My marriage was deteriorating rapidly in 2017 and the toxic lifestyle also affected my performance at work. I would come to work and sit in front of my computer screen and literally produce nothing for the day, it was like I was just waiting for someone to relieve me of my position. With all the insanity going on over the past 4 months I continued to see my counselor, I visited a new doctor and was prescribed different medications. No matter what I did there was no temporary relief, nothing seemed to help and one day I came to the end of my rope. On that day looking at myself in the mirror, I knew of my two options:
Option one: Let go of the rope, forget myself or who I was and everyone around me. Possibly fall into some addiction or habit that would lead to a quicker end. To separate myself from all that I know and simply fade as quickly as possible.
Option two: Say fuck this and start climbing back up. To say fuck everyone in my way who has nothing to offer that is positive and lifting. The challenge of this climb is for only me to complete, I commit to it without any other option but success. To start anew, allowing the sun to rise and cast its warming brilliance on my face one more time.
I am here writing this blog so as you can guess option two was chosen, though option one was more appealing I found that I still had some grit left in me. Not sure how there was any left, it must be engrained within me because I was able to find it and come back from the fray. Since then I have continued to improve for myself, I know that there is nothing that I can do for anyone without fixing myself first. I was tired of being one of the medicated, I no longer knew if it was my depression or the meds that made me feel so damn bad.
I have always accepted the fact that I came from a broken family and had witnessed atrocities that somehow molded me. I accepted that my mother’s side of the family gene pool was riddled with mental disorders, including a suicide here and there. My father’s side was just as troubled so I believed that I was a product of my environment and that I was genetically flawed, something that was impossible to change.
So I accepted who I was and what dispositions I had and knew that the odds were I wouldn’t ever achieve happiness, or truly find my voice.
I said fuck the bridges, burn them there is no option of return. A change occurred, in that moment when I decided to take control and refuse to accept what I felt my past created, what was in my genetic make up. I refused to continue to walk through this life missing out of each minute of opportunity to achieve greatness. I refuse to continue to welcome death earlier than later. I refuse to gently go into that good night.
I am not sure what I will do with this Blog now. I no longer accept this as being a daily battle because I am breaking through the fucking gate and taking the castle each day. Each day I will continue to strive towards goals and accept failures as a they come.
IF you struggle as many others do, start each day with an idea, an idea to work on yourself. The link below will take you to a self help book I highly recommend.