To Those Who Have Been There 

To Those Who Have Been There 

There have been many times I’ve sat alone at a restaurant and observed my surroundings. I would see a father with children , clearly his court allotted time with them so he sits there and makes the best of a dinner after a long day at work.

I left the gym one evening and decided to eat at a pizza place that had a buffet. I watched a mother sit there with 4 children while they bounced around with little to no worries and the mothers face showed the hours of work she’d endured and the lack of time she had to prepare a dinner. She was tired and possible beaten mentally that night, I could see the surrender in her face.

It breaks my heart when I see these lives in whatever form they are in. You know there is a major battle they are fighting within to make it through the day . I want to be able to walk up  and comfort in some way but I know I have nothing to offer to someone who’s fighting their own fight.

I now find myself on the brink of the same situation. Children confused, wife not content and all I can do is continue to work and smile as if all is fine.

Will I be that dad sitting there with his children and some other soul watching me maybe wondering about what caused me to be in that situation?

Will my wife be the woman sitting there with two children bouncing around enjoying a pizza dinner while she dwells upon what life has become?

It is sad and it’s something that happens around us everyday.

Are we living or simply existing?

#Marriage

No Determined Path

No Determined Path

Where do you turn when there is no specific direction? No specific destination or a helping hand to point the way?

The next move is on faith, and that the footing will hold and not give way to something less complete.

Faith has led many down the wrong path so we know that it is a gamble, a hollow word that feels full when you first hear it.

Each wrong turn strips you down until you are bare and no longer have the strength to fight for yourself.

The question you must ask yourself am I able to make the next turn? Is there any grit left in you to pull yourself back up once more, bare you may be and weak you admit to yourself there is no specific direction.

You just take what path lay ahead.

#MentalHealth

What is your decision?

What is your decision?

My spouse and I reached another boiling point this past weekend. It was one of those meltdown types where I sit there calm listening as she hollers and threatens. I no longer explode and argue back, i literally cant do it anymore.

As she cries and packs her bags the kids sit and observe all of this mayhem.  She hits the door and I do not want to stop her. As she speeds away out of the neighborhood I try and change the subject at hand with my 7 & 8 year old. As the day wears on they ask where is mom, when will she be back?  Later in the evening when they ask all I can say is soon but as I lay them down to sleep they ask again and I tell them in the morning.

I lay awake and toss and turn, eventually going to sleep only to wake an hour later sweating under the sheets. I walk out into the living room and sit in the darkness, the quiet surrounds me and I feel worn as if ive been a book that has been read too much, the spine splitting and the pages stained, some missing.

Morning comes and my children ask “where’s mom”? Once again I look at them with reassurance that soon she will be home.  This continues throughout the day, eventually the wife comes home looking worn as well.

A day goes by with little talk, an evening after work I climb into bed around 730 and she approaches me to ask what is the plan, or the future of us. I laid there and spilled my thoughts out on to her. I apologized for wasting so many years of her life and that she deserved to be happy. I also apologized for being an unhappy person, and after 10 years of marriage and all of the effort she has put in to making me happy was all in vain.  I will always remain unhappy even though there is so much to be happy for.

My suggestion was while she still had youth on her side she should find someone who appreciates her efforts. After the talk, she walked out of the bedroom tears flowed from my eyes, this hasn’t happened in years. I cried for her, for all we’ve done to each other, all the suffering, the needless suffering, time cannot be given back.

My fear is what happens to me when I finally sit alone, after she finally quits, throws in the towel. What will I become? I fear that the dark pit of depression will continue to grow and swallow me whole.

What Will 2017 Have In Store

What Will 2017 Have In Store

This has been a year (2016) of sluggish movement for me. I started meds and seeing a counselor  to try to make myself a better person and to try to fix my marriage but this past weekend is a perfect example that I havent progressed one bit.

My marriage has been such a rocky road that I do not even know if its salvageable.  You get so deep into this rut that you no longer can distinguish what is right and wrong. My condition has never helped, i typically turn a cold shoulder to confrontation instead of resolving it. So far in 2017 I watch everything cascading around me, and i know that I am partially to blame but I often wonder how much. I do not know if it is possible for me to be a better person. I feel like it’s not in me, as bad as I would like to be I don’t have the drive.

I want to put my hand on my wifes and look at her in the eye and tell her it is ok to move on without me. That she deserves someone who is more appreciative and has her type of energy.  I’ve always been a soloist which doesn’t mix well with sharing time with others.  I don’t know if we will be together or not in the next few months.  If we are not my biggest fear is the darkness that moves in around you from the corners of the room. When you sit and silence looking out the window at the leafless trees you cant help but compare yourself to them. They are bare and have nothing to show or give.

 

Stranger in the Mirror

Stranger in the Mirror

How many of you out there look at your reflection in the mirror and not recognize the person? Maybe it’s the absence of the image of who you wanted to be. Each day, those subtle changes become more noticeable.

The lines running across your face here and there, bags under your eyes from the lack of sleep. Day after day you see the same person who you do not know, this feeling is fostered day in and day out and yet it rests below a boiling surface.

Eventually the spill over occurs and now you’ve let some of your secrets out to those around you and you are viewed now as someone particularly not healthy to be around. I kept it below the surface for over 20 years and I thought I could continue until my final breath.

The cracks slowly grew, revealing more of what lies beneath and it gets to the point where you become and easy person to read.

At age 30 the fight became too much and I was in fear of  spiraling out of control into a state of no return. I still awoke each morning and pushed through each day, they all seemed the same.

Now at 33 I feel no different other than the medications I take help bury some of those feelings, but the scary thing is that they are only suppressed.

I can understand why some take that walk into the sun, its something that I cannot explain in words only those who know depression can relate.

 

Listen to me Whine :)

I am unsure what it is today that makes my heart feel heavy. It guess it is a not so simple as the continuation of a guaranteed relationship (depression). I’ve started to mix meds, doc is giving me Wellbutrin with my Celexa now so I suppose that my sidekick depression had to rear its ugly head to remind me that its still there just around the corner.

I noticed that I am always day dreaming about a better place, better people, warmer smiles, something that will reach within me and yank out whatever it is that causes pain.  It seems like a simple fix, but its not.  I have been travelling the country side since i graduated high school and I cannot find this place.  Reality is this place is within me and I cannot shed light on it.

I have a vacation planned at the end of October, I will be spending a little over a week with my father.  I have been thinking about telling him how I have suffered from severe depression for as long as I can recall but I do not know how to present this to him.

He is a burly old man standing around 6’2″ and does not believe in showing weakness.  I suppose that is why i went until I was 33 years old to finally admit my faults, it wasn’t of my own will, my body literally felt like giving up and I knew that there was only one way outta this rut and that was to seek outside help.

So the next step is to tell him my life long condition, and I have contemplated this, is this something that should be done?  I figured he would take blame for some of my depression as a kid and I would rather him not suffer for it.

I am actually laughing right now….. Why do I feel like my depression blog is becoming a whining post?????

Little Yellow Leaf

Little Yellow Leaf

A little yellow leaf bid its final farewell. It released its hold upon the limb as the autumn wind encouraged it to do so. I watched is as it fell so gracefully spinning and twirling between the branches of other trees. Though it only took a moment for it to fall to the forest floor I wondered how the leaf felt. It was its last dance and it did it so blissfully. I watched it come to rest and was filled with a deep sense of wonder. There is life in everything that we see and life will eventually depart. A simple little leaf, having lived through the summer months. Changing to a beautiful yellow in the fall allowing me to watch its most graceful moment. It was only one season of life and then it had to let go. Our lives are but a season which too must come to an end. Question is will you leave this life blissfully offering someone that moment to smile upon you as you drift into eternal sleep?  Will you bow out gracefully?