The Road is Long

The Road is Long

I came across something the other day that I could relate to, something that made me feel hollow inside but also gave me something to look forward too. As I was doing a little research on depression I came across a quote from an unknown author,

“I hope that my last breath is a sigh of relief”

I have often wondered how my final moments will be, I fear that depression will follow me to the bitter end.  As you lay there saying your goodbyes to the world all you can think is about how long you have walked this earth unhappy yet there are so many things around you to be grateful for.  How many opportunities you have passed up because just the thought of it exhausted you? How many will be near you in your final hours? I have alienated myself from dear friends and have opted out on family gatherings.

In my younger years I would travel the country side and as I drove along I would pass through desolate areas of desert or wide open plains and I would would pull off onto a side road and just site and gaze at the horizon.  It was here where there was nothing that I found that hollow comfort.

How many of you out there know of this hollowness? How often you walk around with a mask on in attempt to fool those around you on a daily basis? I know that I am pretty successful at fooling those around me.  I know that I care not for group gatherings because of the happiness that everyone finds in it I cannot therefore I am an outsider. Yet we smile and laugh and put on an exhausting show for everyone.


I Am Good At Dealing With People

I Am Good At Dealing With People

This week has been like most, a challenge.  The most challenging thing for me to do is to put on a smile as I come to work and tell others good morning and ask how they are doing. No one knows about my deep seeded issue called depression, the only thing they pick up on is my lack of conversation and being direct and to the point when asked a question.  I have read self-help books on “How to Win Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie as well as many other books that help with interaction with others.  I find it interesting when I can self identify with my shortcomings and work on fixing them, but it doesn’t take long to find my self back to the old me preferring not win people over with kindness or to look for friendship.

In the past 7 years I have made 2 friends, one of them lives in Canada and I haven’t seen him in over 5 years. I have often thought it odd that I do not have friends or that I don’t have a desire to make any. I am sure that I am not the most pleasant person to be around so that really doesn’t help my odds. Some of my old friends from school or the military that I considered close have also faded into the background. I make no attempt to keep in touch, it almost seems like to much effort to me.

In all the doom and gloom of things I can say that I enjoy blogging.  It seems to help some. There is a quote I would like all of those who suffer to read and to keep in the back of your mind for when times get hard.

“What matters most is how well you walk through the fire.” – Charles Bukowski

Solace Can be Found

Solace Can be Found

There are many things that can push that dark cloud away and allow the sun to shine through but many of those things are short-lived, merely a few minutes. The few things that I enjoy and have a deep passion for has become a chore it seems. I love music, it has carried me along for so many years, I suppose that is why I chose the image for this blog.  I took up playing the banjo and have really enjoyed the comfort I find when I am lost in a song, but this too has become something that I can’t find the motivation to do. I laid in bed last night and looked at my musical instruments along side the wall gathering dust and wondered why is it so damn hard for me to pick one up and play for twenty minutes? Every day I keep telling myself that I will practice my music or I will go on a bike ride after work, unfortunately I find it easier to be a slacker on the couch until I crawl in my bed and crack open a book. Taking that first step and forcing yourself to do something you enjoy brings some light and comfort back into your life, if only for a minute it is worth it. That is my goal this week, to do something I find enjoyable and refreshing. I challenge you to do the same.

Daily Grind

Daily Grind

My employer gave everyone the past 4 days off which was well needed.  I often feel that my approach towards my work has become stale and that I lack the enthusiasm that I had at one point in time.  I know that most everyone feels this way from time to time but those of us who suffer from depression have a harder time performing to our full potential.  Focusing on the negative things during the work week come natural to us and I feel that this is my biggest battle every monday morning.  I know pretty much what to expect of the work week, there is no pot of gold at the end of rainbow, little excitement for friday because I know that come the following monday I will be doing it all over again, a feeling of being stagnant in life.

What I am trying to do is to find the small things that I can appreciate and build upon them. I am looking at what makes me smile and forcing myself to spend more time with those small things. Most importantly on monday find something that makes you smile and dedicate half an hour with whatever it may be.  Throughout the day make a plan to visit that thing that made you feel good on Tuesday if only for fifteen minutes .  It is easy to let the negativity consume us is every aspect of what we do, don’t let it take the things you enjoy most.

Hell is a Lonely Place Pt. 2

Hell is a Lonely Place Pt. 2

The lights of this hotel room leave too many dark spaces. 

I draw open the curtains to let the outside light in and to take a look

It’s an overcast day, cold and grey out there and the wind appears to be howling

I stand there gazing out of the window with a feeling of emptiness

Its brought on by this day, this place, this life

I can understand why hotels are a common place for suicide

The walls feel nothing and gives nothing, they reek of loneliness and despair

It only makes the struggle that much more real

The trees bear no leaves this time of year, the landscape shows no sign of life or happiness. 

I want to punch the window out and scream to the world. But i know they will not hear me. 

It is this silent storm that churns within me, I find no comfort

This room defines me, its hard to explain who you are 

Something as used and as plain as this hotel room 

It has nothing to give and it receives nothing

I feel that I have become hollow 

A smile is but an echo it has no foundation and is not genuine

(I wrote this bit while spending two weeks in Kansas City.  The winter months can be quite gray there.)

Nothing Else Fills

Nothing Else Fills

Sitting here this evening enjoying a whisky sour and making my best attempt at drawing, seems I always disappoint myself. What a long week even though it was shorter than most. I find that I am hating my job more and more each day even though it is a great one. It is truly not that bad and many would love to have it. The company I have worked for has kept me employed for ten years, paid me well enough to be able to have purchased a new home and vehicles as well as take care of my family.  We have more than most and yet I feel unsatisfied, I feel like something great is missing.

I have accepted that no matter what I have or have to offer I will always have this hole inside of me.  That hollow feeling will always be there, the key is living with it and finding something daily that makes me smile.

Nothing Else Fills by Bukowski

As we Drift

As we Drift

Are we able to truly heal Or do we limp through life leaning on some crutch? During the spring months I went to my doctor and told her of my anxiety and depression issues and she prescribed me some medications. I have always been against taking maintenance drugs, I always felt like it was for the weak, but there I was asking for them, I knew I was at my breaking point. I started on a low dose and it seemed to work for a while and I slowly felt myself sliding back into my old ways so I went back to the doc and she increased the strength of the meds. I’ve been on them a little over a week now and I cant help but think this drug is a crutch.  I often wonder will I be able to walk through life happily without the help of a drug or counselor.

When you sit and truly think about who you are and where you are going in this ocean of chaos it can troublesome  to the mind.  I’ve told myself “if I leave this career field and do something different I will be happier” or “if I move to the north-west again I will be in my element and happy”.  It wouldn’t matter where I end up or what I am doing, that cloud follows you.